You can print this out and post it in your cubicle.
I. Thou shalt not put any other partners before me.
Yes, I understand that it’s hypocritical for someone in a relationship to ask their side person to remain faithful, but you knew what you were walking into when you signed up for this. They just need you to stand by them while I “work things out” with their main squeeze. Just a few more years and they’ll be all yours… yeah, right.
II. Thou shalt not keep any images or video footage of us together—ever.
The key to keeping this thing going is no evidence, so there will be no pictures taken or se* tapes recorded. Denying everything only works when there’s no proof. Plus, in the event that things go south your jump-off should not have anything that he or she can black mail you with later.
III. Thou shalt not use the L-word in vain.
This rule is so underrated, but if you follow it things will be less complicated. Do not under any circu*stances tell your jump-off you love them unless you really mean it. If said under false pretenses you’re just leaving yourself open for a world of hurt when the truth comes out.
IV. Remember the special days and stay in your place.
When someone’s in a real relationship—you know, one with a real ti*le like BF/GF or husband/wife—there are certain commitments that need to be maintained, like anniversaries, holidays and Valentine’s Day. Listen closely, those days are not for you so don’t call, don’t text, don’t email and definitely don’t start no drama, just stay in your lane and wait until the coast is clear.
V. Thou shalt not meet my father and mother.
Besides, meeting mom and dad is way too personal, especially if they know about your main squeeze. You don’t need your parents asking too many questions or accidentally slipping up and leaking information. When it comes to friends, you’re bestie can be your confidante but as a rule the less people that know about your side chick/dude the better.
VI. Thou shalt not kill.
No, seriously, that’s not cool. Don’t ever go all psycho and try to pull out knives and guns because you can’t have the person all to yourself. Physical violence (against yourself or others) only makes things worse, so control your anger issues and understand that we all can’t have what we want when we want it.
VI. Thou shalt not stalk.
Not only is it annoying, it’s not at all attractive. Nothing turns off someone’s se*iness factor quicker than being desperate or a bug-a-boo. With that said don’t ever pop up unannounced and definitely don’t try to be social media friends or follow each other on Twitter. The only communication side chicks/dudes get is direct contact, everything else leaves a paper trail and/or invades the other person’s personal space.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal.
In the event that someone is sloppy enough to bring their jump-off into their home, it’s with the understanding that he/she will not take any souvenirs with them. The same goes for a hotel/motel excursion also, in that going through someone’s purse/wallet while they’re in the shower is a major violation. This works in the reverse as well in that a jump-off should not leave behind any clues of their presence (i.e. panties/boxers, hair, condoms/pads in trash, etc.).
IX. Thou shalt not lie on me or to me.
Living a double life is hard enough but to have the one person you’ve been real with from the beginning turn their back on you hurts. While the main squeeze was in the dark about the other relationship, the side chick/dude knew what was up from jump. Sure, it’s a difficult situation to be in once emotions get involved (and they always do eventually) but making stuff up is uncalled for, especially if it involves the police or child protective services.
X. Thou shalt not covet the main squeeze or what he/she has.
Don’t worry about what the main squeeze is doing or getting, because that has nothing to do with you. Just enjoy what little time you can get with your boo while he/she isn’t with the person they’re actually committed to. Of course their gift was bigger and better and they get all the holidays, because they the priority while you’re just a side chick/dude—deal with it.